He is the sunlight
by kgbucky
Summary: Natasha and Steve were opposites, he was the healing and she was the pain, he was tomorrow and she was today. Still, the woman who was trained her entire life not to have feelings, found herself falling for a man who didn't belong to her. And if the right thing to do was to leave him, she would rather be wrong. Because he was the sunlight in her life and the sun was gone.
1. The Mission

"What do you want me to be?" She had asked Steve looking away from the landscape and into his eyes.

"Friends." Was his reply.

A few days from then, that reply would've been enough for her, but somehow it wasn't now. That kiss, it had awakened something in her she had buried so very deep within her: emotions. To be honest, her life was a turmoil of emotions the past few day because of Fury, Steve and Bucky. James Buchanan, Bucky, Barnes a.k.a the Winter Soldier, her trainer back in the Red Room. Apparently, her past was resurfacing, coming back to haunt her.

Natasha Romanoff, was trained not to get attached, not to have any sort of emotions towards anyone. She never did, not even with Clint, not even with Logan or even Alexei Shostakov- she had loved him, yes, but not fully. In about 86 years of life, she had never failed to execute what she had learned in her years of training. Then why now, in the middle of a cold winter night, in her plain apartment, in her bed she thought of Captain Steve Rogers? Why did the way he smiled when talking about the "nurse" hurt her so much? It wasn't the first time that was happening and she had managed not to let it show, besides, when was a man as oblivious as Steve ever going to notice a woman's interest in him? Natasha was almost sure she had given him his first kiss since 1945.

With a sigh Natasha rolled in bed so she was facing the window instead of the ceiling. The small white snowflakes that hit the glass reminded her of Russia, memories she had worked so hard to forget now haunted her once more, her perfectly methodical life was now falling apart. And it all started with a kiss. She couldn't care less about S.H.I.E.L.D or H.Y.D.R.A, she only saw them as jobs, as a chance for her to make her ledger clean at last. That night, for more that Natasha wanted to sleep, she wasn't able to do so, she rolled in her bed searching for a more comfortable position until she gave up and accepted she wouldn't grab any sleep that night/morning.

~X~

At the first sight of sunlight, she got up from the bed and had a hot shower- something she wasn't used to do, but it was too cold for her to have a freezing shower as always. Then she made herself breakfast, ate it quickly and swallowed all with a small shot of vodka before leaving for walk, hoping to clear her mind. Washington was a nice city, very dangerous but nice. The Smithsonian was nice, she had been there two or three times already. It had been hard to find a new identity, she was using the name Catherine Lund. Natasha didn't miss her life as an agent, everything was much calmer now, she had found herself a new routine, joined an academy to keep in shape and practice martial arts.

Natasha sat in a bench staring at the reflecting pool near the Capitol appreciating the view and the feeling of the snowflakes against her skin. She was all by herself, there were very few people who adventured themselves out in the cold. Being Russian, she had always appreciated low temperatures. They brought back memories, mostly bad memories. She was just starting to sink in them when her phone, the secured S.H.I.E.L.D line, which she used to communicate with Fury just in case there was an emergency, rang.

"Agent Romanoff." Fury's voice spoke from the other side of the line.

"Not agent anymore, Nick. Just Natasha." She replied with a sigh.

"Very well, Natasha, I have a mission for you." He said, "We still have to capture some of the ex .R.A commanders. We are almost done with hunting them, but there is one we cannot seem to get our hands on. The most important of all, the one who could give us a lot of information. I was thinking of sending you and Steve to get him."

Natasha's first instinct was to say no, but the perspective of working with Steve once more, of seeing his bright smile and the spark that lit up in his eyes. That was too good for her to refuse, "Okay, I'll take the mission. Where do I meet you?". He gave her an address and she memorized it.

"I'm heading there now, meet you in about half an hour."

"You have fifteen minutes."

~X~

Just as Fury had ordered, she arrived in fifteen minutes there, she only stopped by her apartment to get her guns and knives in case there was an emergency and her catsuit if she had to leave immediately on a field mission, as she expected, inside the underground secret base- S.H.I.E.L.D liked those- there was a secret passage that led to a completely isolated room where there were only three people, Maria, Steve and Fury.

"Natasha!" Fury exclaimed and walked towards her, "It's so good to have you back."

"It's a pleasure to work with you again, Natasha." Steve smiled at her that perfect smile of his that made her smile back. Maria only nodded at her and continued working on whatever she was doing before her arrival.

"I missed you guys." She said, "Now, let us get to work." _'We have no time for feelings' _She added silently to herself.

Fury threw a thick folder with a lot of files on which the capital letters G.V were written in red sharpie. She opened it and sat down as her quick eyes scanned the pages absorbing all the information she might need. The man's name was Gerhad Verhoeven was one of the H.Y.D.R.A leaders, he was born in Germany, but his parents were Dutch. He was also one of the Nazi leaders back in the 40's. Somehow, he had managed to keep looking as good as he did back then. Apparently, they had managed to develop a variation of the serum just as the Russians had. He was a potential threat and was hiding in Russia.

"Russia." Natasha muttered, she was going to go back to her homeland.

"Yes, Natasha, Russia." Fury replied, he understood her.

"Very well, I'll speak to some of my underground Russian contacts and see if they know anything about it before we leave. Give me... one hour." With those words, she started typing on her phone extremely quickly.

"Okay. You leave today in about four hours." Fury told them checking his watch, "I hope that's enough time to pack your stuff."

"I've already packed." Natasha told him pointing at her bag.

"Excellent." Fury nodded in approval.

"I'm sorry, Nick, but no one has heard or seen him yet, perhaps later on the mission they might give us some useful information." She announced and locked her phone.

"If that's the case, then you can leave right away." Fury told them. "You must go to the airport now. Good luck, Agents."

"Nick." She gave him a small nod before leaving,

"Do you mind giving me a ride, Steve?" She asked when they were outside once more.

"'f course, Tasha." He replied with a smile and signaled to his Harley Davidson.

"Thanks." She hopped on and they left to the airport.


	2. Fear of Flying

The ride to the airport had been fairly quick and Natasha wished it hadn't . All the way there she had rested her head against his back and enjoyed his scent with her eyes closed. She had to admit that a motorcycle wasn't the best vehicle for them to use during a snowy day, but it was better than nothing. She knew that seducing him when he was in love with another woman was wrong and still she allowed herself to indulge on those few moments she had with him. After all, she was the Black Widow, it didn't matter if it was wrong or right, her job, the only ting that was taught to her her entire life was how to seduce men and crash their hopes later on- and perhaps extracting a bit of information and stealing some money.

While her bag was very small and she carried only the necessary, Steve's was quite bigger, for he had to make his shield fit. And, even with the system Stark had developed for the shield to retreat and become of a smaller, more portable, size, it still wasn't as small as her catsuit and guns and he had to carry a less practical bag. They made their way into the airport and she could feel everyone's eyes on her. Steve, he managed to blend in with his typical American look, but Natasha couldn't. Her red hair and pale white skin made it almost impossible to. The fact that she had appeared on television didn't help either.

Under the curious and accusing glances of everyone, she kept her head low and cast her eyes right to the ground as she made her way quickly through the crowd. Natasha and Steve were opposites, he was beautiful, and he managed to blend in and sparkle at the same time while she only called attention to herself, undesired attention. Natasha and Steve made her way towards the airplane strip. They showed their ids and went straight to a comfortable jet, nothing like the ones she was used to to take. Perhaps Tony had found a way of mixing both comfort and practicality when it came to planes. Steve made sure to take the place on the window right next to her.

"Hey, Tasha." He greeted her with a smile looking away from the window, "Whassup? You haven't said much."

She couldn't help but smile back and chuckle lightly, hearing him using a slang was too funny not to. "Nothing much, Steve. Just living a normal life, that's what I wanted after all."

He nodded , he got her, "Yeah, me too. I sorta miss the excitement of fighting though. Don't you?"

"I'm not going to lie, I really don't. When you spend as much time as I did fighting people and spying and stuff like that you really don't miss it."

"I guess you're right. Why did you accept the offer then?"

Natasha couldn't tell him the truth. What would she tell him, then? The liar was, for once in her life, without excuses, "I needed to. How could I refuse an offer, especially one coming from Nick?" She told him shrugging lightly.

"Yeah, I would've done the same." He replied and she swore she was able to see a hint of sadness in his eyes, still, why would he be sad? He had no reason to. "Have you found anything else about this... G.V. Guy?"

"No, unfortunately not, he has a good cover, Gerhard." She muttered more to herself than as a reply to his question. She checked her phone once more, "I think we're going to take over now."

"I hate take overs. No, I hate flying." He groaned and shifted uncomfortably on his seat.

"Still haven't grown used to planes?" She asked, an amused smile played on her lips as she fastened her seat belt.

"I guess." Natasha was able to notice how hard he was gripping the armrests of his and her seat as the plane started to move, even small droplets of sweat started to gather on his forehead right above his eyebrows. He was the picture of nervousness himself.

"Hey." She spoke as softly as she could and placed her hand over his, "I'm here with you, don't you worry."

For her surprise, he didn't move his hand away, he even seemed to slightly relax under her touch. He took deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down. "I'll save you if need be." She told him and heard him laugh, still tense, but it was better than nothing. "Besides, if you're so nervous you won't even be able to sleep, the best thing you can do is drink something or try to get some sleep. It always works with me."

Natasha heard him breath in and out deeply and slowly, his tension was almost palpable and, from the moment the takeoff started until the moment it was over, then she watched as he took a couple deep breaths and closed his eyes. It only took him a few minutes to fall asleep. Natasha envied him, she wished she had the same ability of relaxing as he did, but she was too used not to fall asleep so easily. Still, she felt safe by his side.

_'One, two, three' _She counted mentally the deep breaths she took with her eyes closed. She was tired from not having slept the night before, so it took her half the effort she would normally have to make to fall asleep.

Their flight to Russia took around seven hours since the S.H.I.E.L.D jets were almost supersonic, their trip was shortened in about three hours. Normally, Natasha would be thankful for that, but she wanted to sleep just a little longer. When the landing was announced, she woke up and lazily stretched, being careful not to wake Steve up. Then she grabbed her suitcase and went to the bathroom to change into warmer clothes. She had been a long time away from Russia, but one thing Natasha hadn't forgotten was how cold the winter was there.

She put her catsuit underneath her clothes, her guns went underneath the thick layer of clothing she wore, a white wolf skin coat with a long sleeved plain black shirt. She washed her face and ran a hand through her medium length fiery red hair. Finally, she was going somewhere she would be able to blend in.

When she got back, Steve was already awake and staring at the window. Small snowflakes gathered all around the glass. He sighed and pressed his forehead to the cold glass. She took her time in watching him there knowing she was so silent and discreet he wouldn't even notice her presence there. His blond hair was messy and she thought it looked even more adorable that way. Even so slowly, she made her way back to her seat and sat by his side.

"Did you sleep well?" She asked him.

"Yeah, and you?" He replied looking away from the window and smiling at her, that adorable smile of his that made her heart skip a beat, the one she had missed while she was gone, the same one she thought she wouldn't ever see again.

"Me too. We're almost landing." She said looking through the window.

"Russia." He muttered.

"Yeah, Russia." She echoed in a murmur. She was back to her homeland. The same place she avoided going to. "Well, I'm going to check my phone to see if I got some more information on Verhoeven." She told him and turned on her phone. "If you plan on changing, I suggest you do it now. You might not have time to do so later."

He took her suggestion and got up making his way to the bathroom. While he was away, she stared out of the window. The lights of the city shone in the dark night. She was going back to her homeland, the place she had avoided her entire life. Perhaps, after all that happened, after all those years, she was finally ready to face her past once more.


	3. Welcome to Moscow

Natasha moved her gaze away from the window and stood when Steve came back from the bathroom. As there was more than enough space for him to pass without her having to move, there was no need for her to stand, but she insisted on doing that. She wanted to stretch her muscles and have a better look at the plane. Steve wore a black overcoat made of wool and fur, a cashmere black turtleneck shirt, leather gloves and black pants. He looked good.

Steve sat by her side and buckled the seat belt, Natasha mimicked his movements and the pilot announced they were landing in about three minutes. It was almost funny to see how a few words were able to make Steve so nervous. Again he gripped the armrest tightly and, once more, she placed her hand softly on top of his and gave him a reassuring smile. Even if it was almost unnoticeable, Natasha saw Steve relax slightly. The plane started to go down and, finally it landed. They were officially in Russian ground.

Natasha sighed and got her bag when the door of the plane opened. She wondered how everything was going to work out with her being on the television and all that. Being an ex-KGB agent, she was sure the government wouldn't be happy with her. It didn't matter that she thought herself American, it didn't matter that she had American citizenship, the blood in her veins was Russian and the language she spoke was Russian.

The moment she stepped out of the plane she was reminded of how severe the Russian winter could be. The cold wind hit her face carrying a lot of snowflakes and almost cut her skin like sharp daggers. They landed on the Sheremetyevo Airport, the one that was nearest to Moscow. Natasha didn't realize, but she spent around three minutes staring at the void, the dark gray winter sky of Russia, the same she trained countless times under. Then her phone beeped, a message from one of her contacts.

_'Информация о Г.В' – Information on G.V_

She waited for another moment before a much longer text was sent.

_'Высокая патент военные. - High patent military._

_пребывания в Никольской Kempinski. - staying at the Nikolskaya Kempinski._

_Работа на подземной базе в Подмосковье. - Working on an underground base outside Moscow._

_Отправляясь в Большом театре сегодня вечером - Going to the Bolshoi Theater tonight_

_Питание в Балчуг Кемпински сразу после - Dining at the Baltschug Kempinski right after'_

Before replying, she bought two tickets for the Bolshoi Theater and reserved a table at the Baltschug Kempinski for two. She and Steve were part of the high society that night.

When they entered the car that was taking them to the hotel she continued messaging her informant:

_'Что он работал? - What is he working on?'_

She only had to wait a few seconds before the frustrating text appeared on the screen:

_'Не знаю, извините. – Don't know, sorry.'_

Natasha groaned and Steve looked at her confused.

"What is it, Nat?"

"I just got some info on Gerhad. Apparently, he is a high patent military, he's staying on a five star hotel near the center of Moscow, near ours. I know he's working on something on an underground base outside Moscow, but I don't know what's he's doing." She told him everything she knew, "Oh, and as soon as we get there, we're going shopping, we'll have a busy night."

"Oh yeah?" An amused smile perked on the man's lips, "And is it that you have in mind for us?"

"Tonight, we're watching the Bolshoi Ballet and we're dining at one of the most luxurious restaurants I the world." She informed him, those kinds of missions were her favorite ones, after all, she could drink and eat well- and even amuse herself slightly- on high society programs and S.H.I.E.L.D was paying for everything. "Tonight, Captain Rogers, we are part of the high society."

"Oh, wow." He muttered.

"You remember your Id, right?" She asked him for the hundredth time since they got in the car.

"Yes, I'm Alex Cooper and you're Natalia Alianovna. We're married and we live in St. Petersburg, but we came here to shop and enjoy the city."

"Great." Natasha smiled at him, Steve was a fast learner, she liked that.

**~X~**

Verhoeven being a part of the high society was apparently no surprise for Nick Fury, who booked one room for both, Natasha and Steve at one of the best hotels in Moscow, right near the one from their target. The National hotel was a 5 star hotel near the center of Moscow. From their room, they were able to see the Kremlin. It was near all the good stores, Chanel, YSL, Prada and the jewelry stores too.

When they arrived at the hotel, she noticed how Steve looked impressed at the building, so she whispered, "Try to act like you're used to this. We're part of the high society, remember?"

They entered the luxurious lobby and went directly to the place where they were checking in. The attendant looked at Natasha and asked, _"Я могу помочь вам ничего мадам? - Can I help you with anything, madam?"_

"_Ах, да, пожалуйста.- Oh, yes, please." _Natasha smiled and faked an accent from St. Petersburg, _"Мой муж и я только что прибыл из ст. Петербург и у нас есть набор заказал, Кремль люкс, если я не ошибаюсь. - My husband and I just arrived from St. Petersburg and we have a suite booked, the Kremlin Suite, if I'm not mistaken."_

"_Ах, да! Мы ожидали вас, мистер. и мс … - Oh, yes! We were expecting you, mr and ms..."_

"_Alianovna, Наталья Alianovna. Это мой муж Алексей. Он американец, так что он не говорит по-русски – Alianovna, Natalia Alianovna. This is my husband, Alexei. He's American, so he doesn't speak Russian." _Natasha knew Fury had used her old name. She didn't even remember the last time she had introduced herself as such, perhaps in 1930... Who knew?

"_Я попрошу одного из слуг, чтобы взять вас в вашу комнату. Пожалуйста, мисс Alianovna, наслаждаться своим отдыхом. - I'll ask one of the servants to take you to your room. Please, miss Alianovna, enjoy your stay."_

"_Да, спасибо вам большое. - Yes, thank you very much."_

The name Alianovna in Russia held much power. Natasha, she came from a very rich family. Her mother and father had died in a fire and only her had survived, but, surely, she had other relatives around the world and it would be no surprise to her if she met one of them while in Moscow.

"_Простите, мисс Alianovna, pазве у вас нет любые сумки? - Excuse me, Miss Alianovna, do you not have any bags?" _Another servant asked, probably the one who was taking them to their room.

"_Нет, я не делаю. Меня и моего мужа, мы здесь, чтобы делать покупки и наслаждаться городом. - No, I do not. Me and my husband, we're here to shop and enjoy the city." _Natasha replied.

"_Очень хорошо, позвольте мне взять вас в вашу комнату – Very well, allow me to take you to your room." _The man started making his way to the elevator and Natasha followed him, not without calling for Steve first.

"Alex! Alex, hun, come here, the servant is going to take us to our room." She called, in her words, bled a very heavy Russian Accent.

"Coming." He followed her and the servant into the elevator.

**~X~**

They had the best room in the entire hotel. The view was to the Kremlin and the room was immense. It was divided in two parts, the bedroom and the living room, both decorated in a vintage style, just like a palace. The bedroom was a suite and there was an enormous bathroom with a bathtub. In a corner of the room, there was a closed filled with clothes of the latest fashion- a small gift from the Director. The living room had a small table, a couple of sofa's and, facing the door that led to the bedroom, there was a big mirror whose frame was entirely decorated in gold. In all of the many windows, there was a balcony. Now, the parapets of the balconies were completely covered in white because of the snow and so was the entire city.

When the servant closed the double doors behind him, Natasha looked at Steve expectantly and asked, "So, mr. Cooper, how are you enjoying Moscow."

"I like it very much, Miss Alianovna. Now, shall we go shopping as you suggested earlier?" He replied falling into character.

"Let's go. Let me just grab my purse." She smiled and got her purse which she had left on the sofa, secured their luggage in the closed and locked it with an unbreakable lock that Tony had created for them before they left. Before eight o'clock, they had a whole lot of shopping to do.


	4. A night in the high society

They left the room just as soon as they entered and made their way to the streets. Natasha had never been in that part of Moscow for shopping before. In fact, she had never gone shopping in Moscow before. The leaders of the Red Room were scared that she'd run away. Even with all the tracking devices, if she wanted to run away, she could hide for an undetermined amount of time and no one could find her unless she wanted to be found.

It was a first time experience for both, Natasha and Steve, only that the man had never actually entered any high couture stores, not in Moscow not anywhere.

"So, Nat, where do we start?" Steve asked as they started walking down the street. He raised the collar of his overcoat.

"Um... I think we should start with looking for a suit for you." Natasha said. She and Steve would have to keep in character. "Alex, dear, why don't we go there." She pointed to a store, Emenergildo Zegna.

"Of course." Steve offered her his arm and she took it. Natasha knew it was all part of an act, but, for as long as they were undercover, they were acting as a couple and, she didn't care if it was all a lie. At least, she would have lived the best days of her life by the side of the man she loved.

They entered the store, it was almost empty and, very soon there was an attendant by their side.

"_Спокойной ночи, я могу помочь вам с чем-либо? - Good night, can I help you with anyhting?" _The man asked. "_Могу ли я взять ваши пальто? - Can I take your coats?"_

"_Да, пожалуйста. Мой муж имеет назначение здесь, Алекс Купер. Это могло бы также быть под названием Alex Alianov – Yes, please. My husband had an appointment here, Alex Cooper. It might as well be under the name Alex Alianov._" She told him with a smile, "_Мы здесь, чтобы забрать иск. - We're here to pick up a suit."_

Natasha watched carefully as the man looked through the pages of his agenda. Then he stopped at a page and looked at them. The look in his eyes was completely different that time. _"Конечно, пожалуйста, пойдем со мной – Of course, come with me, please." _The man nodded and took them to a more private place in the store and offered them a drink while a woman brought them a suit.

"Would you like to try it on, dear?" Natasha asked him.

"Yes, I would." Steve went to the cabin to change. When he got out, he was wearing a very nicely tailored suit. It fit him perfectly. "It's great." He said after looking at himself carefully in the mirror.

"You look beautiful, love." Natasha told him smiling and looked for a check in her purse. She signed it with a much practiced and round calligraphy and handed the attendant while Steve went back to the dressing room and came back with his clothes. The woman who was also helping them quickly entered the changing room and came back with the suit Steve had tried on in a bag. "_Большое спасибо. спокойной ночи – Thank you very much, good night." _Natasha said and her and Steve walked to the door, always followed by the attendants that helped them with their coats and opened the door for the influential Alianov couple.

"I think I'm going for a Prada." Natasha muttered thoughtfully as they walked down the street. She never looked away from the shop windows, "Perhaps Versace. What do you think, Alex?"

"I'm sorry, Natalia dear, but I don't know much about this." He apologized.

"It's okay." She nodded and decided on Versace.

Their winter collection was beautiful and she chose a long black silken dress that marked her beautiful curves and only exposed a bit of her cleavage and her arms. For the cold, she was offered a black rabbit fur stole. The darkness of her clothes made her skin glow and her hair looked even more beautiful. The outfit itself was very simple, it was designed to make the person wearing it stand out in the crowd. Natasha was to shine and not the dress.

Before going back to the hotel, they stopped at a jewelry store and she bought herself a beautiful necklace made of white gold and diamonds and a matching set of earrings. She noticed how Steve seemed not to be able to take his eyes off her, but she convinced herself that it was just part of their cover.

**~X~**

Natasha had little time to relax on the immense bathtub they had in the room, because the ballet was at Eight o'clock and they arrived back in the hotel at seven p.m sharp. She had little time to straighten her hair and put on makeup, so she simply used her natural curls. With her hair longer, she looked even prettier. While Steve was in the bathroom, she put on her makeup and her clothes.

When he got out of the bathroom, Natasha was staring sadly out of the window. She had one of her hands placed in the cold glass. She had walked countless times down those streets. It was as if nothing had changed.

"Wow..." Steve said making her turn around. "You look... Wow."

"Thanks, Steve. You too. You look amazing." She smiled at his compliment and walked towards the bed they were going to share and reached for her long gloves. She had not thought about that, but they would have to share the bed. Once they started the mission, going out to meet with Verhoeven, there would be spies everywhere to monitor all of their movements, see if they were an actual couple, what meant that they would have to act like a real couple.

Over his suit, Steve wore a thick long coat to protect him from the cold. Natasha was already used to it, but he wasn't. Before they left to the Bolshoi Ballet, Natasha hid her guns and a few knives under the long skirt of the dress. It was good to be prepared.

**~X~**

There was a black sedan to take them to the Ballet, when they got there, there were dozens of couples all dressed the same way. Steve got down of the car first and opened the door for her before helping her out. She took his arm and they climbed the slippery marble staircase that led inside. Perhaps, she gripped his arm just a bit tighter than she should have, but she didn't mind and Steve seemed not to mind either.

As soon as they entered the richly decorated room where they were going to wait before going to their respective boxes, from where they were watching the ballet, Natasha saw their target. He was a good looking man, strong, not like the many billionaires she had had to seduce countless times before. He was accompanied by a beautiful blonde woman. Gerhad Verhoeven was a good looking man, he was tall, muscular and had black hair and deep green eyes. He locked eyes with her and smiled a charming smile. He started making his way towards them. There was no recognition of her in neither his or any one else's eyes, so she relaxed slightly.

"Hello." He complimented Steve and Natasha. He spoke with a German accent. "I am Gerhad. Nice to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine, mr. Gerhad." Natasha smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek, a Russian costume. "I'm Natalia."

"And I'm Alex, her husband." Steve introduced himself and shook his hand. His grip moved from her arm to her waist and he pulled her slightly closer. He was a good actor. "Nice to meet you."

"You are not from around here, are you?"

"Oh, no. My husband and I are from St. Petersburg. Actually, I was born here but we moved there."

"Ah, ja!" He exclaimed, "I see. Well, I hope you enjoy yourselves tonight. And, if you wish to join me for dinner tonight, feel free to do so."

"I'm so very sorry, Mr. Gerhrad, but me and my wife are already dining at the Baltschug Kempinskiright after the Ballet." Steve apologized.

"Such a coincidence. I am also going there tonight. Well, I hope to meet you there." He flashed them a smile, "Good night for you, I must go now."

"For you too." Natasha kissed him on the cheek once more and he turned around and left.

The ballet that night was the Swan Lake and Natasha watched as Steve marveled at the synchrony of the moves of the ballerinas. The man seemed happy, but Natasha wasn't. There were too many memories brought back by that spectacle. She saw many of the companions cry, so she too cried, burying her face on Steve's arm.

"Nat." He whispered concerned, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She replied, her voice held no emotion, "Just acting."

"Oh, okay."

She looked to Verhoeven's box on the other side of the place, it was the one opposite to theirs. He was staring right at her. "Steve." She whispered and he looked at her, "Kiss me."

"What?!" He gasped surprised.

"Just kiss me." Her tone was more demanding than the last time.

"O-okay." Steve nodded and, with featherlight touch took her face in his hands and kissed her softly.

Natasha sighed in content at the feeling of his soft lips on top of hers and, involuntarily wrapped her hands around his neck. Then he broke the kiss. They simply couldn't start making out in the middle of the spetacle.

"Nat," Steve asked, "What was that?"

"Public displays of affection make people uncomfortable, remember?" Natasha replied looking at him and hoping she would have to explain no more. Hopefully Steve was smart enough and understood what she had just said.

**~X~**

When they arrived at the restaurant, Natasha went to the maitre and told him about the reservation she had made earlier that night.

"Miss... Alianovna?" He looked at her and, as Natasha was already expecting, their treatment was a lot better than before. Then a voice coming from behind her echoed.

"Alianovna?" That German accent was unmistakable, Verhoeven. "Natalia Alianovna?"

"Yes, why?" She turned to face him, he was with the same group of people, probably very influential people from H.Y.D.R.A and felt a chill go down her spine but smiled anyway. He might be familiar with her old name. If he was, then their cover was over.

"Nothing, it's a beautiful name." Then he took her hand in his and kissed it, "A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. Very suiting."

"Thank you very much, Mr. Gerhad." She forced herself to blush. Had that kiss not been enough for him to realize that she was "married" to Steve.

"I repeat my invitation, would you both care to join me for dinner?" He invited.

"Of course." Steve replied and, once more, took hold of Natasha's waist possessively.

They all sat at a big table near the window. Verhoeven was at the head of the table, he insisted that Natasha sat by his right side and, by her side, was Steve. To his left, his companions sat. They all wore nicely tailored suits and Natasha figured they must work in H.Y.D.R.A too, high patent military people.

They all spoke quickly in German, Natasha understood all they were saying, but Steve clearly wasn't getting a word of their conversation.

"They're debating whether they should trust us or not." She whispered in his ear and he nodded smiling at her, as if she'd just said something very pleasant in his ear.

"Why not let the girl choose the drink?" A man who she identified to be a general suddenly said.

"Of course." Verhoeven smiled, "What do you suggest, Natalia?"

"Um... A rose champagne, a crystal rosé." She suggested letting her feminine side take control, she had always loved rosé champagne, a Louis Roederer cristal rose brut millesime champagne. What do you think?"

The waiter that was serving them was called and they asked for the champagne. The man poured a bit of the champagne in Verhoeven's glass and he took a sip from it before smiling in approval. "Great choice, Natalia." The waiter poured them the drink.

**~X~**

The food was good, but the dinner itself was very boring. Natasha pretended to be amused and laughed at all the jokes that were made no matter how bad they were. When they were back in the room, she asked Steve. "Can you help me unzip the dress?"

"Sure." At his reply, she turned around and allowed him to unzip the dress. Slowly, the zipper went down and she could feel his fingers brush lightly against her back and it sent shivers down her spine, pleasant shivers. It stopped right below her waist. "I'll give you some more privacy now, Nat."

"Thanks, Steve." She nodded and finished undressing before putting on her pajamas.

When she opened the double doors that led to the living room, she found Steve sitting on the couch and staring at the fireplace right in front of it.

"Nat." He turned around when he heard her light footsteps.

She sat by his side and rested her head on his shoulder as she watching the crackling fire. "Steve, you know they're watching us, right?"

"Yes, I do." He replied sighing.

"And you know that sooner or later we'll have to act like a real couple, right?"

"I do." He muttered, she could see the faint blush on his cheeks.

"It doesn't have to be tonight, Steve. We'll have to share the bed though."

He laughed at her comment and nodded, "Come on, Nat. Let's grab some sleep."

"Tomorrow," She told him following Steve into the bedroom, "I'll take you to eat some real good Russian food. I know the best places."


	5. Just an act

_'Где за пределами Москвы? - Where outside Moscow?'_ She typed.

'_Ярославская область, 58 ° 52 'с.ш. 43 º 32' - Yaroslavl Oblast, 58º 52' N 43º 32 E' _Was the reply.

Natasha read it and turned off the phone turning in bed. Steve's presence was soothing, she felt safe near him. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. He was facing her, the covers were just above his waist and he the only thing covering his chest was the thin fabric of a white shirt – not that she could say much about his clothing since she wore only a thin and short satin gown. The room temperature was comfortably set at 23 ºC.

Natasha rolled in bed, she couldn't sleep. Another night without sleep. She was growing used to that. Natasha uncovered herself and silently made her way to the living room. The wood was cold under her feet and it sent shivers down her spine but she didn't mind. Soon enough, she was going to be warm again. There was a drink kart in a corner of the living room with the best Russian Vodka, Sibirskaya Strong Vodka.

Natasha took the bottle in her hands and sat on the sofa in front of the fireplace. She took off the cap and took a swig. The drink burnt its way down her throat forcing her to squint her eyes at the sensation. Soon, the feeling of warmness spread through her body. It had only been ten minutes since she had sat on that couch and she had already drank more than half the bottle. Then she heard footsteps behind her. A sleepy Steve was walking towards her. His hair was messy and she could see the small trail of hair that went down his belly button. Natasha felt herself blush lightly at the sight of him.

Why did Steve have to be so beautiful? Why did he have to be so sweet towards her? Why did he have to make her feel that way? Why did she insist on kissing him, on feeding her hopes that, perhaps, one day, he might like her when she knew there was none? All those doubts flooded her mind at the sight of him. Perhaps it was the Vodka making her think about that.

"Did I wake you?" Natasha asked looking back at the fire.

"Nope." It was his reply. His voice was hoarse.

"Why did you get up, then?" She inquired.

"I missed your warmth." Steve walked towards her and sat by her side. "What are you drinking?"

"Vodka." She told him, "Want some?"

"Sure." He nodded and took the bottle from her hands taking a swig. Just as she had before, he squinted his eyes. They continued like that, passing the bottle from hand to hand until they were drunk enough. Drunk enough to bear the solitude they found themselves in. Until they were warm enough to face the cold.

"Steve." She said looking at him. Natasha watched as he moved his gaze away from the red and orange flames and looked at her in the eyes. That moment, she swore he could read her very soul.

"What?" His voice was soft.

"I'm cold. Can I get closer to you?"

"Sure." He nodded and she snuggled closer to him. Steve wrapped his arm around her. Natasha rested her head against his chest.

"Steve?" She asked again, his name was music coming from her lips.

"What?"

"Have you ever drunk Vodka?"

"No." He laughed, "In fact, I've never gotten drunk before."

Natasha laughed too. She smiled and looked at him. "Tasha." He said, pronouncing every single syllable carefully.

"What?"

"I love it when you speak in Russian." He said. Then he whispered on her ear. His breath tickled her neck and his lips were almost brushing against her ear. "I find it very sexy."

Natasha shivered and looked at him and placed her hand on his cheek. Then he leaned in to kiss her. Their lips touched. It was soft at first. Then his tongue brushed against her closed lips asking for entrance and she parted them slightly, allowing him to enter her mouth. That was actually the first time she was tasting him. Steve tasted sweet. Even sweeter than she could ever imagine, ever dream. He took hold of her hair as their tongues danced together.

"Oh, Natasha. I was waiting for this kiss." He groaned on her ear. Oh and she had waited for that too. She had waited for that kiss for far too long. He started to taste her neck slowly making small moans leave her mouth. His hands roamed underneath her shirt. So that was a drunk Steve Rogers.

Oh yes. He was drunk. "Steve." She said, her tone was serious.

"What is it?" He asked in between kisses.

"Steve. Stop. You're drunk. We're both drunk." Natasha stood, breaking free from his embrace. Natasha didn't want to have sex with him and not remember doing so in the morning. "I'm going to have a cold shower. You should do the same."

Natasha walked to the bathroom and locked the door. She had a cold shower and then filled the tub with hot water. She took her time there, enjoying all she could, because she knew that luxury wouldn't last for much longer.

**~X~**

The next morning Natasha didn't wake up hungover. Unfortunately, Steve did.

"Steve." She whispered loudly and poked him in bed. "Steeeeve."

"What is it, Tasha?" He groaned and turned around in bed to face her.

"We have to go. I've got a location."

"Give me five more minutes."

"I've already given you 3 hours, Rogers! It's already nine a.m."

"Okay, okay." He nodded and stood going to the shower. Natasha pretended not to notice the huge boner he had. Well, he was a man, men had boners every morning and she was already used to that.

Natasha was ready since 6 a.m She had gotten up, had another shower, put on her catsuit underneath a thick coat and hid her weapons. She had allowed Steve to sleep only because she knew he would be hungover. While Natasha had only been slightly drunk, he had been really drunk. After around 30 minutes, Steve was finally ready.

Natasha and Steve left the hotel and rented a car. Natasha started to drive to the location she was given, " _Yaroslavl Oblast, 58º 52' N 43º 32 E' _She kept repeating those words on her head. They had jut left Moscow when Steve asked the question she knew he would ask. The one question that was enough to shatter her on the inside. The question that was her reason not to have had sex with him the night before.

"Tasha... What happened last night?"

"We drank some vodka, that's all." She replied.

"Okay, that part I remember, but what happened after that?"

"Nothing." She shrugged.

"Oh, okay." He nodded. He seemed somewhat relieved.

**~X~**

Natasha drove for three hours until there was no more road, during the entire trip, she thought of the feelings of his lips on her neck, of his smell, of the way he growled. The way his heart beat faster, his breath quickened. She shook her head as if it would make it all go away, all those thoughts about a man that didn't belong to her. They were in front of a forest. She got down of her car and Steve did the same thing. She walked to the border of the forest and took a compass out of her coat's pocket and looked at it before silently walking into the forest. The treetops were completely covered in snow and so was the ground. Natasha noticed footprints on the earth and followed the track, never taking her eyes off of the compass. Steve followed her silently. Natasha was very grateful for the snowstorm that was going on while the made their way through the forest, at least, their tracks would be covered.

Then, suddenly, the footprints stopped. Natasha looked around. They had reached the location that her informant had indicated, she knew it was an underground base, but where could it be?

"Stay with me, Steve. We're guarding this location until someone comes out." She told him and climbed on a tree. Steve nodded and did the same.

That forest... It was the same one where she had fought a battle. The same one in which her first husband died and the same one in which her daughter had died. And that place specifically... It was near a glade where she had been. That was the exact same spot where she had buried a rose in honor of her daughter.

She remembered it as if that had happened yesterday. 1941, the year that the Germans invaded Russia. They were running from them, Vasili, her best friend had died and she was left only with her companions. Finally, they managed to leave the glade and get in cover again. Nikolai, her husband offered her his last can of food.

"_Natalia, you're pregnant. You need this more than I do."_

"_No, but you need to eat."_

"_I know, but Vasili was saving food for you."_

"_But we have to share the food... The others..."_

"_Natasha, if they knew what you're hiding – the child – they would do the same."_

_Natasha took the canned food from Nikolai's hands. The gunshots were getting closer._

"_Natalia, whatever happens, remember, I love you."_

"_I love you too, Nikolai." She took her machine gun in her hand and prepared to shoot._

_She knew Nikolai had died. She knew her companions had died. She had lost everything that day. Everything. Natalia Alianova Romanova no longer used that name. From that day on, she was Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow._

Why were all those memories coming back? What was that mission all about? Just as she asked herself that, the ground started to rumble and a rampage appeared, revealing a dark hole that led deep under the ground. Verhoeven came from underneath the hole, followed by his fellow generals. Now, that Natasha was sure of where they worked, her and Steve could go.

When the rampage disappeared and she was sure that the Germans were far away, she motioned for Steve that they could go. She climbed down the tree and so did he. She pretended everything was okay even though she was sure nothing was. When she looked down to the root of the tree, she saw a red rose. A frozen red rose. Natasha didn't know who left it there, but decided it was best not to pick it up, she couldn't allow her enemies to know she had been there.

**~X~**

The ride back took them almost the same time as the first one, around three hours. With the H.Y.D.R.A base being so far from Moscow, their day was almost entirely wasted. When they arrived back at the hotel, it was around 4 p.m, but it was already dark. Natasha sighed sadly as she made her way towards the elevator. She couldn't seem to forget about the rose, about that place in the forest, about that night, the one in which Nikolai died. She tried to pretend everything was okay, but she was failing miserably at it.

Natasha had never been good at handling her emotions so she always chose to hide them, but it was all coming back too quickly. All those feelings, all those sentiments she had been bottling up since god knew when. Natasha pretended everything was okay, but, as soon as the room's door was closed and she locked herself in the bathroom with the water running, she cried, she smiled, she loved. Everything she should have done many years ago but didn't.

When she was done with that, Natasha washed the tears away, put on her strong facade once more, had a relaxing bath and only got out when the trails that marked the place where the tears had flown down her face were gone, when her eyes were no longer red and when she was ready to face the world with the same coldness as before. Natasha tried to blind herself from Steve, from the feelings she knew she had for him, but, as soon as she saw his smile, his eyes, that barrier, no matter how strong it was, broke down.

"Steve, I want to take you out tonight. Tonight, I'll show you the real Russian food." Natasha told him smiling – Was there even a way not to smile, not to feel happy when she was with him? "So, dress yourself like it was any other normal night and let's go."

"Okay." He nodded smiling back. "Meanwhile, what should we do?"

"Do you want to visit the city?" She asked him.

"Sure. You know, when I was younger, I wanted to visit Russia. I even learned a bit of Russian."

"_Разве? - Really?" _She asked remembering his words, _"I love it when you speak in Russian.". _"And what have you learned? How fluent are you in the language?"

"Since there was a plan for me to infiltrate the Kremlin as a general, I can actually speak a lot, I'm a bit rusty, but I still remember most of the words. I can even read in Russian." Steve shrugged, "_Здравствуйте, Наталья, как ты? - Hello, Natalia, how are you?"_

His voice was even sexier in Russian. Steve spoke with very little accent. She too loved when he spoke like that. His voice assumed a graver tone and it sent pleasant shivers down her spine to hear him talking like that. "_Очень хорошо, Алексей. Теперь, мы должны начать с туром, пока он не слишком поздно. - Very well, Alexei ,– she used the Russian version of his name almost by acident – now, we should start with the tour before it gets too late."_

Steve nodded and started walking towards the bedroom, "I'll just have a quick shower."

He closed the double doors behind him, only leaving a small crack open. She could see him undressing in front of the mirror. His sculpted abdomen, she remembered the feeling of his soft skin on her hands and, before she got too sentimental, she moved her gaze away from him. Natasha moved to the drink kart and took another bottle of Vodka in her hands. The servants had replaced it since they had finished drinking the other one the night before. She took only one sip and closed the bottle, putting it back in place. Natasha didn't want to get drunk again and she didn't want Steve to get drunk again, it would shatter her even more.

When he was ready, wearing his thick clothes, including a fur hat that time, they both left. That day, the temperature was especially low, -43.6 ºF. She and Steve wandered around the almost desert streets until they reached a poorer part of the town. The streets were dirtier and the light was dim since not every streetlight was working.

Steve offered Natasha his arm a long while ago and she held tightly onto him ever since. She watched the small snowflakes land on her face and swirl around in the air as the cold wind blew howling through the narrow streets. Then they reached a more colorful place, where there were people eating and listening to music. She and Steve walked there and sat on a table inside one of the restaurants that Natasha chose, hopefully, there was heating inside there.

As soon as they sat, an old lady, probably the owner of the restaurant came to hand them the menus.

"Natalia, dear, what do you recommend for us to eat?"

"Since today is very cold, I would have a soup. A rabbit soup."

"Rabbit soup it is, then." Steve agreed and called the waitress back, "_Два кролика супы пожалуйста. – Two rabbit soups, please."_

"_да- Yes" _The old woman nodded and went inside the kitchen to make their food. She returned a few moments later with a bottle of vodka and two small glasses.

Steve sat close to Natasha, just by her side. Sometimes, his fingers brushed hers lightly and she smiled. His proximity made her feel even warmer. She rested her head against his shoulder. She loved doing that. Natasha inhaled his scent and sighed satisfied. That time, Steve was a little bolder than usual, he placed one of his hands on her arm and pulled her closer. Natasha snuggled against him. It felt so good. It was at that moment that Natasha told herself she was being childish, that he didn't actually feel anything towards her, it was all an act, a very good act. The woman brought their soups and she ate it in silence. So did Steve.

When they were making their way back to the hotel, Steve actually held her hand in his. Their fingers actually intertwined and she felt happy as she had never been before, just like a teenagers from those American movies about high school she had watched with the team so many times before.

When they arrived back at the hotel, they had little time to have a steamy hot bath and leave to another one of those five star restaurants, they had to meet with their target, get acquainted with him. Natasha, she was the perfect tool to try to extract as much information as she could about H.Y.D.R.A and his co-workers.

That night, she wore a dark blue long gown with long sleeves, its color was just like a starless night. Her skin glowed like the moon and her curly hair cascaded beautifully down her back and stopped right at her shoulder's length. She noticed the way Steve looked at her when she was ready. He seemed to be in awe.

He offered her his arm and she took it happily, always having to remind herself that it was just an act.


	6. Inside the Base

**A/N: There is the slightest of mentions of smut in this chapter. Nothing explicit and it's not between Steve and Natasha. You've been warned.**

**In reply to some of the reviews I got:**

**Destined627: Thanks for the review :3 So, yeah, I skipped that and, well, I have a HC that Steve was never ****resistant to alcohol and that, after he took the serum, though he became more resistant, he still can't drink much. Besides, this Vodka is _very _strong, like really, really strong. So that you have an idea, it's not even sold in the U.S because it had more alcohol/ml than allowed. Natasha on the other hand is very resistant to any sort of drinks - well she's Russian after all, isn't she?**

**Ann (Guest): ohurghhrjkojiohigjikolkcjvenrjemckenhve Thanks for the wonderful review, really. I'm not taking this as quick as the other on I'm writing (Lipstick Lies). I plan on writing from 30-50 chapters filled with angst and them denying the feelings for each other. Besides, there's going to be a _huge _plot twist. I'm looking forward to writing the next chapters :3**

**R&R :3**

**~X~**

Natasha sat at the table by Verhoeven's side and flirted shamelessly with him all night. Natasha knew she had him. He was in the palm of her hand and she could crush his hopes at any time. The part one of her plan, seduction, was done. Now, all Natasha had to do was extract as much information as she could. In the corner of her eye, she could see Steve gripping the pillowed armrest of the chair tightly as she chose her words carefully, slowly she watched as he fell in her web. Before he even realized, he'd be in too deep. It was just a matter of time.

That night, she told "Alex" she would discuss some business with Gerhad and that he shouldn't expect her to be back so early. Steve cracked his knuckles as he left the restaurant and she went in the car with the target. They started making out in the car and, by the time they reached his hotel, things were already pretty heated for both of them. Natasha and Verhoeven tried to act normally until they reached his room on the penthouse, but he couldn't seem to keep his hands off of her.

Gerhad lips were soft and his kiss was fully manic, just like hers. He had years of practice, just as she did. Natasha and him, they were both machines, both were good in bed because they were used to please in order to extract information. Natasha found herself doing something she didn't do in a long while, she imagined Steve's face instead of Verhoeven's, as if to make the experience less painful for her. It had been a clash of teeth and tongue and nails and pain. It was everything but soft. They rough sex. Since none of them had feelings for one another, the sex was rough, only to aiming too satisfy Verhoeven's own desire. When they were done, she had a glass of champagne with him, but left as soon as possible under the excuse that Steve was very jealous and that he would be angry if she got back too late.

When she arrived back in their room, Natasha found him sitting on the couch. He had his fingers threaded in his hair and his elbows on his knees. He stared sadly at the fire. The low sound of her stilettos against the wooden floor made him turn his head to face her. She wished he hadn't done that, she wished he hadn't said a word so she wouldn't have to see the heartbreaking look he had in his eyes.

"Hey." She greeted him. Her voice was almost a murmur and her gaze was turned to the ground. She couldn't bear to face him, not after what she had just done. Not when she loved him. And, even if he didn't like her back, even if she saw her as just a friend, that was too shameful to her. It was a first time experience for her, so she didn't know how to handle that.

"Hey." He replied standing and making his way to her. His voice was a bit louder than hers, but it was still full of sadness, the same one reflected in his eyes. When he was close enough, he placed two fingers under her chin and lifted her face so she was staring at him. "Tasha... How did it go?"

"You know, Steve. You know what happened." She replied, she was almost breaking down in tears, she didn't know why she was crying. She didn't know when she started crying, she just felt the hot tears stream down her cheeks leaving wet trails. She moved her gaze away from his and went to the bedroom. That night, Natasha wanted to be alone. As she undressed, she could feel a pair off eyes spying on her. She was sure it wasn't Steve. Verhoeven had already ordered his spies to keep an eye on them.

That night, Natasha cried herself to sleep with her face buried on the many pillows, her makeup stained the white soft silk that covered them. Her sleep was filled with nightmares of the RedRoom, of all the hearts she had broken, of memories she could sworn she had forgotten a long time ago. Apparently not. Natasha couldn't forget anything.

**~X~**

The first ray of sunlight that entered through the window woke her up, she looked at the clock on her bedside table, it was still 5 a.m. Natasha went to the bathroom and prepared herself for the long drive they were doing again. When she entered the room, Steve was ready. He had ordered room service, chocolate fondue. He looked like a child dipping the strawberries in the melted chocolate and eating them. The smile on his face told her he was really enjoying himself.

"Mornin', Steve." She greeted with a small smile and walked to where he was sitting and took the seat in front of him. "How's the fondue?"

"Mornin', Tasha. Feeling better?" He replied looking at her and then blushed deeply, "F-Fondue?"

"Yes, I am, thanks." She nodded and started to laugh, "Yes, fondue. It's what you're eating, didn't you know that?"

"Oh... So this is the fondue." He muttered.

"What did you think it was?" She asked.

Steve started making awkward gestures with his hands and Natasha started to laugh real hard. It was the first time – she thought – that he saw her genuinely smile. "Oh." She mouthed and he turned as red as her hair, if that was even possible. It was like nothing had happened the night before, everything was the same as it was before she went into Gerhad room's though she knew things would never be the same between them. Not for her, at least.

They were frozen in the moment, her smile on her face and his blush still on his cheeks. It was perfect and she knew it would be forever in her memory. It was a moment she wanted to remember for the rest of her life. When they were done with eating the strawberries, it was already six thirty, so they left the room to that damned forest once more.

**~X~**

While they made their way to the forest, Steve read a map in silence as he made some annotations in his notebook. Natasha kept her eyes locked on the slippery road and making sure they weren't being followed. For both, her happiness and despair, it had snowed during the night and stopped very early in the morning, so while the road was less slippery if she needed to accelerate the car, their tracks would be harder to cover, much harder. Natasha didn't know if she should be bothered by the silence between them, but, truly, she wasn't. Sometimes, just the silence was enough, there should be no words spoken.

Nine a.m. They arrived at the base. Natasha still hadn't figured how to open the rampage that led to the lab, so they had to wait on top of the trees until someone who worked at the base arrived. Luckily, they had to wait for little time, ten minutes, Natasha counted. Then the scientists appeared. She watched as they walked to the tree where she was hiding and leaned in. An eye scanner, she figured. When they were close enough, she motioned to Steve to follow her and jumped down the tree, landing on one of the scientists back. She silently cracked his neck and did the same to the other one before he even had time to realize what happened. From underneath her white winter coat, Natasha got sharp knife and removed one of the scientist's eye. She noticed Steve flinch as she did so. Then they hid the bodies in a safe location and went into the base.

The rampage opened and she handed Steve one of the lab coats and put on one herself too. Then they went inside. It all looked familiar, just like the Red Room, except that the walls weren't painted red. Steve and her seemed to be unnoticed by the people working there and, as he made various annotations on his notebook, Natasha made mental notes as she looked to the doors. There were plaques with letters and numbers written on them, RRH.5, RRH.6 and so it went. She was trying to figure out what the letters meant when a man came out of one of the doors.

"_Доктор Дрягин? Вы, как ожидается в лаборатории RRH.4, майор Верховен хочет поговорить с вами. - Doctor Dryagin? You are expected in the lab RRH.4, Major Verhoeven wants to speak to you."_

"_Хорошо, спасибо. - Okay, thanks." _Natasha replied nodding and making her way back from where she came from. She felt her heart racing. What would she do? Verhoeven wanted to speak to the man she had killed, he would surely recognize her – well, of course he would there wasn't even the slightest chance that he wouldn't.

Natasha and Steve turned at the same time when they heard screams on the corridor. It was Dryagin. He wasn't as old as the scientist who had talked to her back in the corridor, but, still he was quite older than she appeared to be. He shouted something about a serum, about how he was sorry for having messed up and that he wouldn't do that again. Those words, she didn't know why, but they sounded so familiar it sent a shiver down her spine.

Steve looked at her and she looked at him. In a silent agreement, they went their separate ways. In three hours they would meet each other outside. Natasha looked at the ground as she walked through the base trying not to be seen. She searched the lab coat's pockets and found a card, there was no photo, the only things written were: Lapotiknov, Dmitri, project RRS, room RRH.50.

For what Natasha noticed, there were ten rooms per floor, so she went to the floor -5. RRH.50... RRS... Those letters, they seemed so familiar, but she couldn't seem to remember where she had seen them before, for more that she tried, she couldn't. She made her way into the room RRH.50 and noticed she was the only one there. Apparently, Steve was her partner in that one. Using the communicator she had attached to her ear in an unnoticeable way, she called Steve and, in no time, he was there. Even though he had arrived quickly, Natasha had time to have a good look at the room. It was all so familiar, but why? Why couldn't she remember, she _had _to remember. She felt a strong headache and everything turned black. The last thing she saw was the floor approaching far too quickly.


	7. Programmed to Forget

The first thing she felt when she came back to her senses was his strong arms wrapped around her, then the pain came. Natasha wasn't one to feel pain, but that one was almost unbearable. Slowly, she opened her eyes, her vision was still blurry and she blinked a few times before her eyes adjusted to the lighting of the room they were in. The first thing she saw was his eyes, his beautiful dark blue eyes, he seemed concerned. Then Natasha tried to shift to a sitting position, her head pounded and she groaned.

"Lie still." He whispered and kept her close to him. He put a few loose strands of her hair that were sticking to her forehead behind her ear and she did as she was told. In part because she it was actually painful to move , but she was also enjoying the proximity to Steve.

"W-what happened? How long was I out?" She asked, her throat was dry, so her voice was almost a whisper.

"Well, you called me and asked me to meet you here, then, when I got here, I saw you faint. Luckily I caught you before you hit the ground." He told her. Natasha sighed. If she hadn't hit her head, why did it hurt so much? "I don't know for how long. Thirty minutes, one hour, perhaps."

"Thank you, Steve." She smiled at him and closed her eyes again trying to organize her thoughts. "And, yeah, I'm better."

"That's good." He nodded and she could hear him smile, the relief present on his voice was noticeable.

"Have you found anything about what's going on here?" She asked him.

"Nope. I think those words on the plaques are abbreviations, they mean something. I figured the H means H.Y.D.R.A, but what do the two Rs mean?" He asked. At first, Natasha was a bit pissed at him for worrying about her that much, but then she figured it was good to have someone to watch over her. Upon hearing his words about the acronyms, the first thing that popped into her mind when thinking of the double Rs was Red Room, but that couldn't be it. The Red Room had ended a long time ago, just as the KGB. She thought of all the acronyms she knew of before replying a bit unsure.

"Perhaps Resource Room... But I don't think that's it."

"Well, we can't do some research over it later. Now, I think it's better to find something about this room and leave as soon as possible." Steve told her.

"Okay." She nodded and regretted that decision instantly. Still, she ignored the pain. It had no domain over her, she convinced herself of that. Natasha stood slowly and was a bit dizzy for the first few seconds, but it soon went away. She was back in only a few seconds. Natasha scanned the lab searching for anything they could use as clues. She saw a bunch of chemicals and some blue glowing particles. She saw Steve writing down everything they saw before he closed his notebook. Natasha took a picture of the place with her phone, since there was no computer there for her to back up the files, both of them left being careful enough not to be seen. They had a whole lot of research to do.

Steve insisted on driving them back and she slept the entire way. She figured she might be having the headaches because she was tired, but she soon found out it wasn't because of that. She still was unable to figure the cause of them, but, at least, she could eliminate one of the ideas from the mental list she made.

**~X~**

When it was 6 p.m, Natasha and Steve arrived back at the hotel. Natasha was feeling a lot better and, even though she told him she was fine and that they should go out to investigate some more, Steve insisted on them staying in the room. He ordered some hot chocolate for her and made sure she was really comfortable before they started their research. Natasha sat on the bed under the many covers with the computer on her lap. She hacked the S.H.I.E.L.D and the H.Y.D.R.A files and tried to find anything, the slightest lead about the acronyms. Since she found nothing, she thought of the Red Room, it was the one thing they hadn't investigated yet, so she did some research over the KGB and the spies. She saw her names a lot of times and some others she was able to identify, Yelena Belova and Shostakov.

Apparently, the Red Room had been closed in 1991 when the Soviet Union broke down. Since the actual president had no use for spies, she discarded the idea. But then she remembered that H.Y.D.R.A had also been considered extinct though it wasn't, so, she still kept looking for anything that could relate it to the German intelligence. As she expected, she didn't find anything. Russia and Germany had been enemies since forever.

Natasha sighed as she took a sip from her cup, she looked all over the files, the infinity of the interned but seemed to find nothing. She uploaded the images she took from her cellphone to the computer, she zoomed the in and researched about the chemicals. But, with all of her intelligence on chemistry nothing made sense, it was as if she was programed not to understand that.

"Hey." Steve said as he sat by her side taking a sip of his own hot drink, "How's the research going?"

"Not good." Natasha replied almost absent, "I can't seem to make a chemical formula out of this..."

"I'm sorry, but I can't help. I have almost nonexistent knowledge when it comes to chemistry."

"It's alright." Natasha told him and looked at her phone, there was a new message from Verhoeven. How had he gotten her number anyway?

_'I want to see you again tonight.' _He had texted her. Natasha sighed sadly and went to the bathroom under Steve's confused gaze. She threw the phone at him and he grabbed it midair before reading the message. He groaned in anger. Natasha didn't get why he was so angry. _'Well, friends worry about each other.' _She thought as she undressed and stepped into the shower. She had a long shower and brushed her teeth before dressing herself in a pair of black pants and a silken shirt. As always, she wore a fur coat, a hat that covered her ears and a pair of black leather gloves. Natasha got her phone and left the room smiling sadly at Steve.

The second she left the room, she went into Black Widow mode. She forgot about all the feelings she had for Steve, she went into seductress mode and prepared herself mentally for another night of mechanical sex with the enemy. Well, it was something she had to go through, something she was already used to.

**~X~**

Steve wasn't even waiting for her when she got back in the room. He had already fallen asleep on the couch in front of the fireplace. He was all curled up and seemed really uncomfortable. She sat on the edge of the couch near his head and poked him softly whispering his name. "Steve. Go to bed."

He groaned before his eyes opened slowly and he blinked trying to adjust his eyes to the di lighting before they focused on Natasha. "Hey, Tasha. I'm going. Don't wait for me."

"Okay." She nodded and headed to the bedroom. She took a bath and to the closet to put on her pajamas before curling down under the blankets. Then she felt him climb on the bed and curl by her side. They weren't touching, but his presence by her side was very soothing. She enjoyed his warmth. She felt, at the same time, safe and dirty. Dirty because of Verhoeven's touch and, It didn't matter that she had had a bath, the very fact that Gerhad hands had touched her made her sick and safe because Steve was by her side. For another night, just as many before it, she found herself unable to sleep.

In her head, she tried to crack the puzzle of what they had seen that very day, so she stood and went to the balcony. She felt the chilling wind like knives cutting the exposed skin of her shoulders and the cold stone floor beneath her feet. She only stood outside for a few seconds before she thought it too cold. Back inside, she went to the living room and laid on the couch staring at the ceiling. She thought about Verhoeven. There was something very familiar about him, about his traces, about his eyes... It was creepy and, once more, even with her eidetic memory, she found herself unable to remember something else. She groaned as she sat again, this time looking at the floor, that was so frustrating. Just as if she had been programed to forget. Well, that couldn't be it, she remembered everything about the Red Room... didn't she?


	8. Discoveries

_**A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for all the kind reviews you posted :3, I'm going to warn you that it's probably going to take me much longer to update the story, because I have this huge writer's block in the moment.**_

_**Replies: **_

_**-Destined 627: Yup, this is a dark fic. My goal is to tell everything that happened in her life that made Natasha the way she is, to show what she thinks of herself and make Steve shatter those convictions, to show her, that she is worth him, that she is worth everything. And, yes, she sees herself as meat because she was taught to see herself as such, by S.H.I.E.L.D and by the Red Room.**_

_**-Ann: Thanks for all your kind reviews. Steve's not going to be useless and I'm really trying to keep them in character, I don't know if it's working though (I would appreciate if you told me what you're thinking). :)**_

_**Anyway, enough with the speech, enjoy the chapter :3**_

_**R&R**_

**~X~**

During the night, Natasha had done some research over the base they were infiltrating and got the plants of the building, she found out where Verhoeven's office was and where everything was kept. She also discovered that the most important rooms such as the supplies room and the control room were heavily guarded. Natasha would have to find a way to enter Verhoeven's office without getting caught, a seemingly impossible task. She decided it was best for Steve and her to visit the base the next morning so they could figure out a plan, besides, she wanted to make sure she had seen everything she could use to make out a formula and deduce what they were doing.

With that plan in mind, she laid back on the couch and closed her eyes. Her head still ached, a lot less than earlier that day, but it still ached. She opened her eyes again and decided to go back to the bed, the room was cold and she'd rather be under the covers and by his side than lying on an uncomfortable couch. When she passed by the window, she looked outside. It was almost morning, she could tell from the position of the stars. She laid back on the bed and covered herself snuggling closer to Steve without touching him before falling on a light sleep.

His breathing against her neck was what woke her up. It tickled her lightly and she smiled still half-asleep before realizing he was much closer to her than he was before. She opened her eyes and rolled around so she was facing him. It was morning, very early as she was used to, but his face, it was so close. Her nose was almost touching his and, now, his hot breathing was on her lips and not her neck. She wanted to kiss him, but reason spoke louder and she got up, trying to ignore the desire of tasting his lips once more.

She was ready and, as always, she waited for a little while before waking him up. Steve took just as long as she did to get ready and when he was done with putting his clothes on, he went to the living room. Natasha had ordered breakfast. A basket filled with all kinds of breads and small pots with jams, butter and spreads. There was also a jar of juice, a teapot with Earl Grey tea and one with hot chocolate.

"Mornin'." He yawned as he walked towards Natasha and took a seat in front of her at the table.

"Hey." She replied when she was finished with eating a piece of bread that was in her mouth. "I have a plan for us."

"Really?" He asked as he spread some butter on a piece of baguette. Then he poured himself a cup of hot chocolate.

"We're going in again today so we can figure a way of invading Gerhad's office and stealing the plans and any important info we might get our hands on. Still, I want to see if there's anything important we can use to solve this case."

"Good idea." He nodded in approval after taking a sip of his drink.

They followed the normal routine, as Natasha drove them to the base, Steve made his annotations and sketched the landscape. When they arrived at the place where the base was located, she parked the car and they got down. That day, she looked for the rose again, near the tree. And it was there. It hadn't aged a day, so she figured that whoever put it there changed it. Natasha tried to ignore it, she tried not to show Steve how much that affected her, so she simply walked to the eye scanner as if she hadn't seen a thing. The rampage opened and they were undercover again.

They didn't even exchange a word as they made their way through the hallways, always keeping a distance from each other. Natasha got to the lab first, not even worrying about Steve, she knew he would find his way there. As she moved towards the staircase that led to the -5thfloor, she made mental notes of the rooms she passed by. She might use it later. When she arrived at the lab, everything was the same as it was the day before and she got to work very quickly, searching through the piles of paper and files, something that might give her a clue of what she was dealing with. She didn't find anything useful, but she did find something that might help them destroy the lab once they were done with stuff, Methanol.

_'__Methanol is the simplest alcohol, and is a light, __volatile__, colorless, __flammable__liquid with a distinctive odor very similar to, but slightly sweeter than, that of __ethanol__(drinking alcohol).__At room temperature, it is a __polar liquid__, and is used as an __antifreeze__, __solvent__, __fuel__, and as a __denaturant__for __ethanol__. It is also used for producing __biodiesel__via __transesterification__reaction.' One of the scientists from the Red Room had taught her. He told her it might come in handy in an emergency and she never forgot his words._

She had never actually used that knowledge, but invisible flames were very useful. Perhaps she would have the chance to actually apply all the theory to a real mission. She ran the tip of her fingers lightly against the border of the many beakers. No dust had gathered there because of the exhaustion system, as they were working with toxic chemicals, there had to be a strong exhaustion so that the substances wouldn't gather in the air. She took a seat in front of a small desk that rested against a corner of the room. She ran her eyes over the files scattered all over the metal surface. She still couldn't tell anything about what they were working with.

Natasha found it impossible to believe that a lab of that kind, with such technological stuff didn't have a computer so, after to cleaning up the table – She had some sort of OCD when it came to organizing stuff - , arranging all the files in the drawers until the desk was methodically organized, she cracked her knuckles and started searching for any secret compartments. Her fingers tapped lightly the surface of the table until it clicked open revealing a small laptop, she hacked her way in since she was in no mood for guessing the password and, from a pocket of her coat, she got a flash drive and backed up all the files.

It was the exact time Steve took to get there. She looked around as if he was searching for her. Until his eyes met hers in the remote corner of the room, he had a concerned frown on his face. The door closed behind him with a pressurized hiss and he walked towards her, his expression changed from concern to curiosity when he looked at the computer.

"I didn't see any computers around here yesterday." He said stopping by her side.

"Me neither and I thought it weird so I decided to have a better look." Natasha replied, her gaze never left the screen of the computer as she typed frenetically.

"What are you -" He started to ask, but Natasha glanced at him with a murderous look and he stopped mid-sentence and didn't say anything else until she was done about 20 minutes later, from the corner of her eyes, she could see him look around the room taking notes and sketching whatever he laid his eyes on.

"I was seeing if I could find anything else about what we're working on." She told him when she was done, moving her gaze to meet his and sighed looking at the screen again, "But I can't seem to make anything out of this."

"Well..." She knew Steve didn't know anything about computers so he couldn't actually say anything about the subject or even offer to help. "Why don't we work on that later? I mean, it's getting late, so we better go back. We can always come back here tomorrow."

"Okay." Natasha nodded and stood before placing the computer back in place. It was almost ipossible for her to notice the time pass down there and that made her unnerved her. At the same time she might have spent an hour down there, she could have also spent 10 hours. Once more, Natasha and Steve left the lab with almost no information, if they continued at that rate, they would have to stay in Russia way longer than planned, way longer than she wanted to.

**~X~**

They had spent only two hours down there and Steve drove them back to the hotel. When they were back in the room, the first thing she did after changing was sit on the bed with the computer on her lap, she connected the flash drive and started to work on decrypting the data she had backed up and started working on it. She didn't even notice the hours pass by. Since he couldn't actually help with anything, Natasha allowed him the day off. Besides, it wasn't like he was wanted by the government, so he could simply wander around. Natasha didn't find anything but the same information as before and some more formulas that didn't make sense. The one thing she noticed was that they were using the Tesseract on whatever their plan might be.

She sighed and got out of bed stretching as she walked to the bathroom. She washed her face and looked at her reflection in the mirror, she looked a bit weary from all the nights without sleep, so she decided to pour herself a drink and wait for Steve to come back doing some more research. On the bed again, she searched on the S.H.I.E.L.D database and even googled the elements they were using. She wrote down the reactions and tried to figure out. But, again, her head started to pound heavily and she decided it was best to leave the research for later and try to work out how Steve was going to break into Verhoven's office.

Natasha thought that, perhaps, she might be able to convince him to spend the day with her under the excuse that her husband met a potential client and would spend the day out, so Steve could spend as long as he wanted inside the base until they had what they needed. The only thing was: What did they need? Natasha rested her head against the soft pillows and closed her eyes for a mere second before she heard the door being unlocked silently. Instantly, she reached for her gun, clicked the safety off and jumped off the bed hiding in the shadowy corners of the room before she laid eyes upon a tall blond figure. She released the breath she didn't even realize she was holding and felt her muscles relax as she let her arms drop by her side.

"Hey, Steve." She greeted him hiding the gun in the back pocket of her pants.

"Hi, Nat." He replied smiling and looking at where her voice had come from and she walked out of the shadows.

"How did you like the city?" She asked following him into the bedroom and hiding the gun back in a drawer near the bedside table.

"It's a beautiful city, but I didn't wander around much, I stopped by the library and studied some chemistry so I could help you." He stated. He seemed proud of himself.

"Wow." She muttered almost inaudibly, it was so kind of him to do that, "Thank you, Steve, I actually need some help with this."

"It was nothing. Now, let's get to work." He told her and got the laptop from the bed, placing it on the table. He opened it and typed the password. "Now, you'll have to decrypt the files for me since I didn't have time to master computers too."

"Sure." She decrypted the files all over again, that time, it was much easier since she already knew what to do.

They looked over the formulas together and Steve seemed to be able to make more connections than her when it came to the subject. Natasha just stared at the paper blankly, her head pounded every time she seemed to be figuring something out and she was immediately distracted from her thoughts. No matter how hard she tried to focus on that she seemed unable to do so. She groaned in frustration.

"What is it?" he asked her.

"I can't seem to focus, I'll grab some air before having a look at what you got." Natasha replied and stood walking towards the window. She could feel his gaze on her until she was outside. The snowflakes gathered on her eyelashes and fell on the soft skin of her cheeks when she blinked. She breathed in deeply feeling the cold air fill her lungs. That moment, even her blood seemed colder and, she had to admit, for more that she hated to do so, that she had missed Russia.

Natasha went back inside, the warmth of the room hitting her so suddenly that she gasped at feeling of it. She took her place near Steve and had a look at what he had written on the paper, some of the chemicals she had managed to recognize, she knew that aimed to induce the increase in the number of mitochondria in one's body. What were they trying to do mixing it with particles from the Tesseract? Trying to create an improved version of the Super Soldier Serum? Natasha scowled and discarded the idea, they didn't have the recipe to do so.

"Steve... I think I might have an idea of what they are planning on doing." Natasha told him a bit unsure.

"What is it?" He closed the book he was reading and turned to face her.

"Um... They might be creating a Super Soldier Serum with particles of the Tesseract." She said. For a moment, she saw the same glimpse of fear she had felt cross his face, but it soon went away as he tried to convince himself that it wasn't it. Finally, she guessed, when he had reflected enough on the subject he replied.

"I don't think so. I mean, how would they even have the recipe for that?"

"That's what I thought." She told him feeling slightly relaxed. _Slightly_. She still wasn't sure that it was the case. There was something more about that story that they hadn't found out yet. She wanted to tell him the plan she created for him to invade Verhoeven's office, but to see his expression, no matter what it was would kill her. Besides, they had time and she needed Verhoeven to become a bit more attached to her.

They were silent for a few moments before Steve asked her again, "You said they were using particles of the Tesseract?"

"Yup... It's weird how did they even manage to get their hands on such powerful object? The last time I checked with Thor, it was safe in one of the vaults in Asgard."

"Yeah..." Steve nodded then his expression turned to one of realization, "The scepter!"

"What about it?" She asked and then she remembered. One of the few things that S.H.I.E.L.D hadn't been able to recover from the battle of New York was Loki's scepter. "Oh..." She muttered. The things they could do with it, so much power in the wrong hands, the consequences could be disastrous.

"We have to start looking for it in the base." He stated and Natasha nodded in agreement.

"Still, they wouldn't hide an object of power in plain sight." She said, "Somewhere very safe inside there..." She started typing again until she reached the location she wanted. The plant she had saved that night. "We have the plant of the building."

"Great... So, where do you think they might be hiding it?" He asked staring at the screen. Natasha noticed that there was an elevator on the last floor that didn't stop in any of the others, as if it would be used to transport something very quickly.

"Somewhere with difficult access but with an easy way out." Steve deduced, then as if a switch flicked inside his head, he exclaimed, "The last floor! There is this elevator that doesn't stop in any of the other floors as a quick way out and there must be some pretty strong security to access it."

"Steve, you're a genius!" Natasha exclaimed looking at him. She had to resist the sudden urge of kissing him. "What do you think, should we try to go down there tomorrow or should we wait a little longer?"

"I don't know. Perhaps, if we go in tomorrow, it will give us some clues about what they're working on." He said.

"Let's go with that, then." She told him.

That night, Verhoeven didn't text her and she was thankful for that. She just hoped it wasn't the end of their affair. He was an essential part of their mission and she couldn't allow him to go away that easily.

They allowed themselves to relax that night so they watched a Russian movie, "The Barber of Siberia" or, as it was also known, "_Sibirskiy tsiryulnik". _It was one of her favorite movies and Steve seemed to have taken a liking to it too. When they were done with watching the movie, her head rested against his shoulder and his arm was around her waist, the same position she found herself with Clint so many times before. The day wasn't the best, but at least, they had made some progress with the mission and she was able to grab a few hours of sleep. Somehow, Steve's presence made it all more comfortable – and that was something she thought every night when lying by his side.


	9. The Scepter and the Serum

Natasha and Steve both woke up at the same time, that was an important day and, the sooner they got to the base the better. She wasn't exactly looking forward to invade the base, but, at least, had a dreamless sleep and she was grateful for that, it was good to get a bit of rest once in a while. Natasha equipped herself with all kinds of weapons, from the lightest ones to the heaviest, but not something too big, she needed to prepare herself for all kinds of situations they might find themselves in. She and Steve took almost the same time in preparing themselves and she even noticed he was taking his shield with him. She was almost telling him not t take it because it was too big when she noticed him pressing a button and making the shield even smaller.

Natasha nodded in approval of his action, it was a gesture she made more to herself than to him. She finished checking the weapons and went to car being followed by him. She drove them there and noticed that, this time, Steve didn't have his notebook in hand, he wasn't staring at the window like he normally did, instead, he was rigid against the soft leather seats of the car. She gripped the steering wheel tightly, her heart racing for a reason she couldn't quite figure. She could feel the adrenaline run through her veins making her speed up perhaps a bit more than necessary, but in a way that she still had full control of the car.

When the car stopped, they got down and walked in a faster speed towards the base, it seemed to be a much more important day for them. They entered the base after going through all the security processes and made their way towards the elevator. Natasha took a deep breath as they waited before the metal doors, the lab smelled of chemicals, many which she couldn't identify and that, along with the situation they found themselves in unnerved her. Silently, the doors slid open and they entered the metal box. Since it was used not only to transport people, but cargo as well, it was very big. Steve pressed the button and, as expected, they needed to identify themselves so they could go down, since only authorized personnel were allowed down there. It was a tense moment, none of them was sure that it would work. Natasha was used to carefully premeditated plans and she didn't like the sensation of knowing they were following a plan in which there might be flaws. The elevator moved smoothly, she could barely feel it. Unlike many other elevators, it didn't make such a big bump when it arrived at the last floor.

The doors slid open again and her eyes widened at the sight in front of her. It was a big room with many separate floors all connected by suspended bridges. The room was completely secure, the walls were all lined with plumb, so the Gama radiation that the scepter emitted wouldn't leak, even if it was an insignificant quantity. There were many tables and scientists walked quickly all over the lab taking notes and carrying stuff. Natasha stepped slowly out of the elevator, as if she was scared of the environment. She spotted Steve's tall figure and blond head already walking amidst the crowd of white lab coats.

It took her a little longer to spot the scepter, but, when she did, it was as if no one could stop her, as if the scepter was calling her. As she approached it, the extremely appealing object made of gold and one of the gems of the universe, it seemed to glow even more. When she was close enough, she started to reach for it, but a strong hand placed on her shoulder made her stop. That touch, it belonged to Steve and it broke her transe.

"Nat," He whispered, "What are you doing?"

"I am..." She started to say, but she didn't actually know the answer for his question, "I... I don't know. It seemed to be calling for me."

"I'll see if I can get my hands on any useful information and you should do the same." He told her before turning his back on her, "Oh, and try to maintain distance from this, you saw what it did to Loki. I'd hate to see you the same way." The last part was an almost inaudible whisper.

"Fine." She replied and walked away from the scepter, trying – and succeeding – to ignore the energy that seemed to pull her back to it. There were many other chemicals being submitted to experiments, so, knowing what they were and that they were used in whatever mix she and Steve were studying. As she stopped at the many balconies and read the files of what was being studied there. Most of the chemicals they were working with had the same effect as drugs such as cocaine and some others used by athletes to increase their resistance. Most of them aimed to increase the number of mitochondria and hemoglobin in the blood. Those traits, they seemed familiar, just like the serum she had taken. The serum.

Then, realization hit her, they were making a serum just like hers and Steve's, an improved one, to create even better soldiers and spies. Why? She had no idea, unless Russia was planning on attacking the U.S... But why would they want that? Despite the usual grudge held towards each other, she couldn't seem to find any major reasons for the rivalry between the two potencies at the moment.

Along with that doubt, came so many more of them, how did Zola manage to get his hands on the recipe of the serum? It had died with the American scientist, Dr. Erskine and the Russian one whose name she did not know. She remembered a man - she couldn't seem to remember his name, but his face seemed very familiar to someone she knew – telling her that no one had ever written down the formula, since it could get into the wrong person's hands. And what was the scepter being used for? It wasn't like it could enhance one's power or anything.

Until that moment, she had managed to ignore, if not forget, about the existence of that damned artifact, but its call for her got louder and louder until she couldn't ignore it anymore and she had to make her way back to where it was. All the other scientists ignored her as she neared the table where she was heading to. When she stopped in front of it, she pretended to be reading some files and that her hand touched the artifact. She touched it briefly, only once, but it was enough to send a wave of power, something like energy, through her body. Natasha felt her head start to hurt again as, in the speed of light, images flew through her head, blue colored images, she knew they were memories, but couldn't distinguish them.

A small groan left her mouth as she stumbled towards the elevator where they had come from. She could barely think straight at the moment, her vision was blurry and her head throbbed with images and memories and voices of her past, she couldn't focus on anything, but to get to the lab where she reckoned to be the safest place around.

**~X~**

Natasha opened the door, still tumbling, tripping on her own feet. When she heard the familiar sound of the door closing behind her, she on her knees, panting in pain as she allowed it to fill her body, an excruciating pain on her head, spread all over her body, so strong, she found herself unable to move. She couldn't stop them, the voices, the images, all of them were part of her past, some she couldn't even remember living. Then she fainted. Just like the other time she tried to remember, just that, Steve wasn't there to help her that time.

She opened her eyes and blinked twice. The first time to defog her eyes and the second to adjust her pupils to the dim artificial lighting of the lab. The scent of chemicals was strong in the air and, for a second, she wondered if she had accidentally hit a glass containing something toxic, but she dismissed the idea. She forced herself to stand and finding with satisfaction that her legs were obeying her and so was the rest of her body. Then she moved her hand to the comlink in her ear.

"Steve?" She asked after clearing her throat, "Are you there?"

It took him a while to answer, but he finally did, "Yeah, I am. Nat, we have to evacuate _now_"

Natasha didn't even question his orders, she didn't even ask why, not only she understood the situation they found themselves in but also she was eager to leave the place. She walked quickly towards the door and found that she couldn't walk too fast, else her head started to spin and she had to stop. She sighed and kept her head low all the way to the elevator, hoping she wouldn't have to share it with anyone.

As she wished, the elevator was empty and she pressed the button that led to the exit once, trying to keep her demeanor calm, not to show anyone – even if she was alone – the internal battle she was having with herself at the moment, trying to keep her feelings under control, trying to keep them in, because she knew that, if the leaked, even the smallest drop, she wouldn't be able to restrain the flood that came after it.

She was back outside, it had started to snow again and the wind was cold, she lifted the collar of her coat to protect her neck and rubbed her hands together, even though she was wearing gloves, it was still cold. Natasha waited for Steve outside the car when she heard gunshots. Natasha immediately reached for the 50mm automatic handgun she kept attached to her leg, she had one made especially for her when she entered S.H.I.E.L.D, its colors were graffiti and black, a mix between the two and only she could shoot it – it had system that recognized her fingerprints (a small gift from Stark) – the bullets were also specific, they entered the body through a small hole and shattered inside the victim's body.

She clicked off the safety and ran silently to the place where the gunshots were coming from, doing her best to ignore the dizziness. It didn't even bother her anymore, she had to find out what it was and nothing would stop her. Nothing. There wasn't an obstacle she couldn't overcome. When she was close enough, she saw it, Steve running from men, around thirty of them. Natasha sighed and reached for her other gun. While Steve was using his shield to protect himself and eventually dodge any bullets shot at him, Natasha aimed to kill.

Each one of her shots hit the target perfectly, headshots, instant kills. Deaths that didn't even leave time for the victims to process what was happening. She watched as many more of them appeared from the woods, she knew she couldn't take all of them down on her own. Dozens of men dressed in black running after them. She had no choice but to run. Fighting in that situation was a suicide call.

"Steve!" She shouted looking back, he was fighting the men, but not killing them. He was giving them a chance of a fair fight. "Run!"

"Go, Nat! I'll catch up with you."

"I'm not leaving you here." She ran back to where he was, knocking out whoever dared to step in her way. More of them seemed to come from everywhere, materialize in front of them. She took his hands and dragged him with her to the car, wondering what he had done to be followed by those men.

They got to the car and Natasha sat in the driver's seat, she waited for Steve to enter before driving off fast, too fast, almost. As they went away from the base and into relative safety, their breathings steadied and the adrenaline left their veins, the headache returned. It was much lighter than earlier.

"Steve." She said, her voice was unsure, almost a murmur as she spoke, "What did you do?"

"I... I don't know." He muttered after spending a few seconds in silence, "I mean, I was just walking around casually checking the files, when two guards told me they wanted to speak to me. I went with them and they attacked me."

"Um... That's weird." Natasha stated, "They must have realized that we're not scientists, perhaps not them, but somebody else, someone who's always watching."

"Nat... can I ask you something?" The silence that reigned between them was broken again.

"Sure." It was her reply.

"What was that with the scepter?"He asked, his voice was almost cracking, as if he was scared of asking that, scared of her reply, scared of _her_. And that almost broke her.

"I have no idea, and thanks for not letting me touch it, I don't even know what could happen if I did." She told him, her voice did not crack or falter, it was clean and remorseless just the contrary of what she felt, she felt bad because she was lying to him, something she had promised she wouldn't do, but she shrugged it off. It wasn't like he was going to find out anyway.

"And where were you while I was running from them?"

"I discovered something." She told him, never straying her eyes off the slippery road. "I discovered what they are doing."

"And what is it?" Impatience bled in his words.

"They are creating a version of the serum, an improved one and they are using particles of that stone in the center of the scepter." She said.

"What are the particles for?"

"I don't know I'll see if I can find anything out."

They were already entering the city again, she hadn't even noticed the time pass and she was grateful for that. She needed a hot shower and drink and a painkiller (though she knew it wouldn't work on her). She gave the car to the valet that stood in front of the hotel and they both went to the room.

"I'm going to take a bath now, Steve." She announced, she didn't actually know she did that, but she did before walking to the bathroom.

She undressed and, for the first time in a long while, she had a bath in the tub. She allowed herself to relax completely as the water touched her limbs. She closed her eyes and sighed. After around 15 minutes that way, her headache stopped and she started to wash up. When she was done, she went back to the bathroom wrapped on her towel and went to the closet where she chose her clothes. Jeans and a big loose shirt. Then she laid on the bed staring at the ceiling trying to figure why they were using the scepter.

She remembered what it did to Clint and to those who Loki touched with the tip of it, their eyes turned blue and they obeyed his orders without questioning. Mind control. She was almost getting to an answer, but there was still one piece of the puzzle missing. There was something more she needed to make the final connection.

She stood and paced around the room to see if that would help clear her mind. She also needed to understand what had happened with the scepter, she had no idea but it had awakened memories she didn't even know she had. Then her phone rang, breaking her line of thought.

"Hey." She answered.

"Natasha." Fury's voice sounded from the other side of the line.

"Did you put the dogs outside? I don't want any robbers to enter the house." She said.

"Yes, I did. Don't worry."

"Great. I have to tell you what I found." Natasha said, she knew that they were speaking through a secure line. "H.Y.D.R.A is developing an improved Super Soldier Serum."

"Very well. What else?"

"They are using particles of the stone in Loki's scepter in it. I still haven't figured out what it is for."

"Good." He muttered, making the corner of her lips curve lightly into a smile. She enjoyed the approval that sounded in his voice. "Natasha, I have a job for you. I need a sample of the serum they are making."

"What for?" Her smile dropped. "For you to test it on innocent citizens, create more soldiers? Spies? Don't we have enough of them already?"

"Yes, we do. That's why we are going to use to improve the quality of people's life. Imagine that, no diseases, people living for a longer time..."

"Stop. Just stop. I'm not going to take the serum back to the US. I would never forgive myself for being the cause of all of the American citizens pain and demise. I want to wipe the red on my ledger and not stain it even more. If you want someone to do this kind of dirty work for you, then you better ask Steve, because I'm not going to accept any job like this one."

"Very well. I'm just telling you dr. Banner's request."

"Okay. Well, good night, Direc- ,I mean, Nick, I had a long day." She hung up and sighed running a hand through her hair. It wasn't night there, she had lied to get rid of Fury.

Natasha then went to the living room, where she found Steve watching a show in Russian.

"Hey, Nat." He said.

"Hi, Steve." She replied and sat on the couch by his side. "What are you watching."

"I don't know, I wasn't even paying attention."

"I have an idea." She suddenly blurted after watching a few moments of the show. "You told me you hadn't seen much of Moscow that day, so I'm taking you to the Pushkin Museum."

"Great." He nodded and smiled at her, "I just need to have a bath and change."

"Okay. I think I need to change too." She told him and both of them went to the room.

Natasha decided on a warm sweater and a black long coat with fur. She also wore a hat to protect her ears and head and the leather gloves and high heel boots she loved. She got her purse and put in it the things she thought she would need, lipstick, money, her phone and a small handgun just for precaution. In fact, carrying a gun had become an habit for her, she carried guns whenever she went out, it gave her a sense of safety, even if it was a fake one. Then she went to the living room and continued watching the same boring show.

When Steve walked into the room again, he was dressed nicely in his winter clothes and she couldn't help but stare. They went down to the lobby and she noticed that he seemed pretty excited to get to the museum. He insisted on driving them there and she agreed, she knew he like to do gentlemanly acts like that.

Finally, they arrived at the Pushkin, the beautiful building, constructed in a classical style, resembled the ones from Greece made of pure white marble and with the pediment fully decorated with sculptures. The snow that fell intensely from the sky painted the scenery white, and it was beautiful, immaculate. Natasha marveled at the building and the landscape around it. They parked the car at a nearby parking lot and walked a small distance to the entrance of the museum, even though it was extremely short, it was cold and she held on tight onto Steve's arm as if it would protect her from the wind that made her shiver. Apparently, he noticed that she was practically shaking, because he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer, shielding her from cold.

They climbed the slippery staircase that led and Natasha continued gripping on his arm, she couldn't risk falling down the stairs. The inside of the museum was even magnificent than the outside, there was another staircase – a much bigger one – made of marble for them to climb. Since there was no snow and a carpet so the visitors wouldn't slip, it was with much resentment that Natasha let go of Steve's arm and climbed on her own. She was still close to him, though. Sometimes, their fingers brushed against each other lightly, sending small waves of electricity through her body.

They stopped in each room to see the works of art carefully, Steve seemed to have the same taste for art as her, since they both stood a long while observing the ballerina paintings of Degas. The one she liked the most was the "Blue dancers". It reminded her of the old days in which was a ballerina, she missed it, even if it was an illusion. After they went through all the rooms, it was very near the closing time and they went out of the museum. Natasha grabbed onto him again, and, just as during the visit, no word was shared between them during their way to the car and that was when she realized that the silence between them wasn't an awkward one – not to her at least – it was comfortable,a as if no word had to be spoken for them to understand what one was feeling.

When they were back in the car with the heater turned on, Natasha finally spoke, "I never knew you enjoyed art."

"Well, most people don't know. In fact, besides Bucky, you're the only one who knows." He replied straying his eyes off the road for a mere second.

"Really? I feel honored." She said, words that could be considered mocking if said by any other person, coming from her mouth didn't sound like it. Natasha spoke the truth when she told him that.

"Thank you. I even went to art school, but I only studied one year. It was during the war, y'know?" He told her, his words were dark, as if he resented not being able to study one of the things he loved the most. "I think art is a very deep form of expressing the feelings, with each line traced on the canvas, each movement of the brush, you are able to read a bit of the painter's soul."

"Wow... Those are very beautiful words." She muttered thoughtfully. "I never thought of it that way."

"Thank you." He replied smiling. It was a warm smile that was reflect in his eyes as well and she smiled back at him. Seeing him happy made her happy.

**~X~**

Natasha was sitting in front of the computer writing her report of the mission, her finger tapped quickly on the keys, making a low noise. She tried to ignore the sensation on the back of her head that the familiar face that had appeared in her mind a few hours earlier held the key to what they were searching. But whose face might it be? She closed her eyes and tried to rescue the memory, but she found herself unable. At the moment, her mind was a complete mess and she would need a while to reorganize them.

"Hey, why are you still awake?" Steve asked, his voice coming from behind her made her turn to face him.

"I'm writing the mission report." She told him tiredly.

"Oh... Nat, did Fury call you?"

"Yes, he did." She replied, so he had taken her suggestion.

"Did he ask you to bring the serum back to the U.S.?"

"Yes."

"And what did you tell him?"

"I told him I wouldn't do that. That I wouldn't be responsible for anymore suffering."

"I thought so." He said looking down. She didn't know if his words were good or bad.

"Did he call you?" It was her turn to inquire.

"Yes."

"And what did you say?" She didn't know what to expect.

"I told him the same. I guess only you and I know how it is like to take the serum. I didn't expect him to understand our decision either way."

"Yeah..." She smiled at him and stretched.

"Well, I'm going to bed. Good night, Nat."

"Night, Steve. I'm going in a few minutes." She watched him as he went to bed and laid on it.

It wasn't even weird for her anymore to share the bed with him and he seemed not to mind either, in fact, he seemed almost comfortable with that. She typed a few more words and, deciding she should sleep, she closed the computer and went to the bed. She covered herself and turned on the bed so she was facing the window. Natasha watched the snowflakes hit the glass until she fell asleep.

**~X~**

**A/N: Hey, guys! Sorry for the delay. I tried to make this chapter longer because of the amount of time I spent without updating this one :3 Well, I hope you enjoy.**

**R&R**


	10. Nightmares

_'Drakov's daughter, Sao Paulo, the hospital fire... You ledger is dripping, it's gushing red!' Loki shouted slamming his fist against the glass wall. The impact of the punch startled her and she retreated a few steps as he continued with the speech she had heard dozens of times before, "I will make him torture you in every way he knows you hate..." Well, Clint didn't exactly know the tortures she hated, she hard never told him that so she had nothing to worry about._

_Then, in a swirl of red, orange and blue, the vision switched to one of her standing on a rooftop. She gazed down below, the city was painted white, pure white because of the snow that intensely fell from the dark sky. Natasha wore a white and thick fur coat and white pants to both protection from the cold and camouflage. She held a sniper gun in her hand as she knelt and prepared to shoot. She had a perfect aim and wouldn't miss the shot, Drakov's head. She was almost pulling the trigger when a new command sounded through the communicator on her ear. She was to take her target's daughter and torture her for information._

_She scowled at the voice, but obeyed either way. Natasha waited until all of the lights in the house had been turned off before making her way silently towards it. She knew Anya – that was the politician's daughter name – slept on the third floor and she had no problem in breaking in without making any noises. The blond girl couldn't have been more than six years old, perhaps five, she didn't have time to ask her. It was all so quick. In no time, she entered the room and escaped with the girl. Anya was locked in one of the cold and scary interrogation rooms of the Red Room facility._

_It was as if they were trying not only to torture the small girl but also Natasha. Well, it wasn't like she minded torturing people at the time, much on the contrary, she loved to do so. She was truly cold, even colder than she was now, some might even call he wicked, so she didn't mind torturing Anya. The sound of the high pitched screams that left her mouth were like music to her ears. She remembered watching the senator cry as she slowly inserted thick needles underneath his daughter's nails, making small dark red droplets of blood dripped on the floor, staining not only the cold gray concrete, but her ledger as well. The man finally spit out the info they wanted, just in time to see Natasha put a bullet inside his little girl's skull._

_Anya, she was 5, maybe six and Natasha was 15. Only ten years older and, technically still a child, even though her innocence was long gone._

_It all turned blue then. She was laying in the cold, wearing only a thin white hospital nightgown. It did nothing to stop the cold that bit through her skin and made her shiver. She sat upright and noticed that her feet were tied to the table, still, she tried to recognize where she was. She realize she was sitting on a cold metal surface. She looked around those familiar beeping noises. She was back in the Red Room facility. There wasn't even an option in which she wouldn't remember that place, the one room in the entire base she feared, the one everyone feared. The metal door facing the table she was sitting on slid opening revealing a group of five scientists._

"_Now, Natalia, lay down. Be calm and nothing's going to happen to you." One of the scientists, with a strangely familiar voice said as he approached her. The blinding light they put right in her face made it impossible for her to see who he was, who they all were._

_More of them walked towards her and each one took hold of her arms and legs, so she couldn't struggle too much. She was pined down to the table so she couldn't look up. Then she felt a needle rip the soft skin of her arm and a thick liquid enter her veins. Then she started to convulse, she could feel it running through her veins, it felt, at the same time, burning hot and freezing cold, she couldn't think straight, the pain was numbing her mind. But, for more excruciating that the pain might be, she wasn't allowed to black out, as if something was stopping her body from doing so. She was forced to feel the pain from the moment it started until it ended._

_When they were done with the procedure, the scientists left the room and she was all by herself. She closed her eyes, her body ached so much she couldn't sleep, she couldn't rest, she couldn't abstract herself from the pain – something she had mastered many years before. Yet, she felt stronger, younger, better, different from the skinny and frail little girl she had always been. It was weird._

"_Well, Natalia." A man walked into the room, but her vision was too blurry for her to identify him, all she knew was that he was the same one who had spoken to her before, "I can see that this serum does work. I have not been fooled. You can start your training... Now." He said._

_It all turned black. And then, in a burst of light, white. It was all white. She could only hear the voices echoing through the empty space, voices of everyone she had ever met, friends, foes and some who she couldn't even identify._

"_You are nothing but a liar!" She heard Clint say, she looked around, but couldn't see him, all that surrounded her was white._

"_Yeah, a liar and a killer." Tony spoke._

"_You couldn't even stop me when I needed you to. You are puny, defenseless. You are just another worthless killer."_

"_All you know is how to drink and try to forget your past."_

"_You think yourself so much better than anyone else, o much smarter, stronger... You're not. In fact, you have nothing special. I am strong and smart, even more than you are, Bruce can turn into a monster, Clint has the perfect aim, Tony is a genius and Thor is a god. What are you? A cold-blooded assassin, a useless spy. You are not worthy pf being in the team. Fury just let you join because you're his lapdog." It was Steve who said that, and his words broke her more than anything else, the simple fact that it was him who was saying it was enough to tear her apart._

"_Stop it." Her voice was a murmur and she repeated those words as if they were a prayer to a God she didn't even believe in. But the voices got louder and louder._

"_STOP IT!" she screamed at last._

Natasha woke up screaming and panting. She had tossed and turned in bed, so she wasn't covered by the sheets anymore. Her hair was mated to her neck and small droplets of sweat gathered above her brow. She could feel Steve's strong arms grip on hers. She had woken him up.

"Nat?" He asked, "Are you okay?"

Natasha was speechless for a moment, trying to process her nightmares, she simply stared into Steve's deep blue eyes, she could feel the knot in her throat tighten. _'I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry...' _She repeated on her head, but she found herself unable to do that and, before she even had time to realize, a tear slipped down her cheek and even more of them threatened to fall from her eyes and trickled on her eyelashes, making them shine. She tried to wipe them away, in an effort to hide her face so he would not see her in such frail state, but the tears kept flowing.

Her breath was caught in her throat at the feeling of it, his strong arms wrapped around her body, his scent suddenly so much stronger than before and it all felt so much warmer. At first, her body tensed, his touch was something she longed for, something that was almost foreign to her and she simply closed her eyes, buried her head on his chest and allowed herself to cry. Natasha, who was a master in hiding what she felt, couldn't do that anymore. Not at that moment. She could pretend that nothing happened in the morning.

"Don't worry, Nat. I'm here for you." Steve whispered in her ear. His tone was caring, just the opposite as the one he used in her dream and that made her cry even more. "I'm here."

His embrace on her tightened and Natasha closed her eyes and wondered if the words she heard in her head were what he actually thought of her, what all of her friends thought of her. Slowly, she drifted to sleep in his arms. That time, she had no dreams, no nightmares, nothing. She just enjoyed his warmth.

**~X~**

"Steve?" Natasha groaned when she opened her eyes.

"Yes, Nat?" He replied, his deep voice sounded like honey in her ears and her lips curved into a small, subtle smile.

"Good morning." She said and then realized that he was spooning her. She didn't remember how that happened. Then the images of the night before came back to her.

"Are you feeling better?" Steve asked.

"Yes." She replied and stretched, somewhat on purpose. "Steve, what time is it?"

"Ten a.m" He replied calmly, as if he didn't mind the fact that they were late for their mission.

Natasha suddenly stood up, "But we have to go to the base!"

"Nat." Steve stood and walked to her, placing both of his hands on her shoulders to keep her still, "We're not going today."

"But we have to-"

"Nat, no." He said firmly. "You had a rough night and we have to wait a couple of days before we can go. After they discovered me."

"But... I can't allow a personal problem get in the way of our mission." She said, running a hand through her hair nervously. Everything had to be executed with perfection. Anything less than perfect was not enough.

"Natasha, calm down. We _are_ taking the day off and it's not only because of you." He said, "It's because of many things, you need res, I need rest and we are being hunted down in that base."

"Right." She sighed finally calming down. He let go of her arms.

"Right." He nodded, "Since we won't be able to enter the place looking as we do right now, why don't we take the next two days off, plan our disguises and do something?"

"Sounds like a good plan." She nodded, "Now, I'll take a bath so we can go out."

"Sure." Steve nodded and she went to the bathroom.

_'What just happened, Natasha? You just had a nervous breakdown in front of someone?" _She scolded herself the moment she closed the door behind her. _'You can't let that happen again." _But then she remembered the feeling of his strong arms around her, his hot breathing against her neck and how good it had felt waking up with him that morning. Surely, she wouldn't mind that happening everyday.


End file.
